What do we do when our loved ones are compromising?
It makes us suffer to see a loved one act in dissonance with their decisions and highest values.
We want them to act wisely and in alignment with what they hold to be right.
Maybe this mental pain is there because we would like to compromise also…? Perhaps we are afraid of the “temptation”…
But the key thing here is respect and being non-judgemental.
Everything that points towards the opposites will not be helpful but harmful to the relationship.
If we make people feel ashamed by a decision they made in a moment, it will only attract more of this non sustainable self soothing behavior marked by instant gratification.
So, the question is:
how can we be more respectful and compassionate vs. judgmental and cold, towards one who we know is not acting in alignment with their long term interests? Health? Integrity? Character?
Here’s the advice, specifically some questions, I give to myself and to others who are dealing with the same challenges:
1. How would you like someone to treat you if you were acting out of integrity with your deepest long term interest? Or in a way they “disapprove of”.
This brings a great deal of perspective. Simply asking yourself how you’d like others to treat you, and treating others in this way.
2. What would love do now?
This question is truly life changing. Try it out. Listen. Act. This is the path with a heart. In this way we learn what love means to us.
3. What could the root causes be why someone would act in this manner?
Perhaps it’s la k of vision. Perhaps some unmet need. Perhaps some emotional pain that is being dealt with.
4. Really feel what you are feeling
In these moments when you feel compelled to judge or feel sadness because of the way someone is acting, try to really feel the feeling. Get to know it. Feel it.
5. Create clear social contracts before temptations come on what choice to be made
Have a conversation about the area where dissonance is showing up and ask if the other wants help to act in integrity. This could be to remind them gently about their true interests and the choices they stand for.
Make an agreement and stick to it.
6. Bring a future orientation the conversation
Bring awareness to future possibilities of dreams come true and things achieved.
7. Imagine if you would “give back” what you love most
Really see the best in those around you. Speak to the highest within them.
8. “How am I this?”
In what way is this showing up in my life?
In what part of my life am I compromising?
How can I act more in integrity with my highest values?
9. What is most important right now?
By asking this focusing question, you might notice that there are more important things than those your currently focusing one.
Give your attention to that which is more important.
10. Focus on “being the change you wish to see.” (Quietly and humbly.)
By bringing to awareness the fact that we can not control everything and everyone, we can find peace.
By choosing to focus on what’s in our “control zone”, what we can directly “choose to be”, we may find peace in any situation.
Recignize that all these methods takes a great deal of practice o master.
Use every little opportunity you encounter to practing, in its essence, going from cold and judgemental to warm and understanding.