Post #99. Seek to Understand Rather than Judge & Force (everyone will be better off for it) Part 2.

“Happiness and freedom begins with a clear understanding of one principle.
Some things are within your control and something are not.” 

– Epictetus 

When stuff happens, we can either accept it or try to change it.

The problem appears when we try to change things we have no real power to change…

You know… Sometimes we want to change other people… Often people we live with and share daily life with. This is perhaps all very “good and noble”, but we might be doing ourselves and the other person we’re “trying to change” a big disservice.

Every day we wish people & ourselves to be different from what they are… more of this or more of that…

More warm…

More honest… 

More disciplined…

More charming… 

Have higher standards… 

And sometimes we tell them how we want them to be… 

My question here is: How often does that actually work? 

Telling someone what they should do and how YOU want them to live… It sort of bounces back doesn’t it? Barking back & judging back & pinting fingers… Getting defensive… It SELDOM works to try to command people to change or tell them how to change plainly…

But we still do these kind of things… regularly… 

“You should workout more!”

“You should be nicer!” And so on… 

Essentially what we’re trying to tell people in our environment is to “be better human beings.”

But what we ignore here is the very nature of human behaviour & character…

Every behaviour is a natural consequence of our current level of awareness and our beliefs...

Behaviours are thoughts, manifested.

Therefore if someone is engaging in a behaviour you find really “stupid, ignorant, bad, pr sloppy…”  Try to look at what might lie underneath it…

Some questions that we can ask ourselves to understand others more deeply are: 

* What is this person dealing with now in their life?
* What might be worrying or causing stress in their life right now?
* What is the consequences of their behaviour that they might not be seeing? What are their blindspots?
* What might they have gone through that makes them think in this way?
* What is important to this person?

The key here is really to understand that human beings are like icebergs. 

We have our outer appearance. Our actions, words & habits… But underneath all of this this, there are unique experiences, mindsets, beliefs & sometimes confusions about how do think about certain things…

It’s not until we really understand these deeper parts of us that we can set the stage for real change to happen.

***

This also goes for yourself. When you see something disagreeable in yourself, or if you feel something unpleasant. Don’t judge & criticise, but instead, slow down and seek to understand yourself more deeply. Then… make the key choice: Is this in my control or not? If it’s in your power to change, and if it’s important to you, who’s preventing you?

Be your own best friend & your best coach.

With love, 
Daniel Galovan 

 

 

 

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